I think the universe is trying to tell me to stop something.

Published September 29, 2013 by Britt

 

The problem is, I’m not a hundred percent sure what it wants, because it’s telling me in a series of strange and unusual events. I can’t help but not explain them here, because maybe my lovely readers will show that this points to the Illuminati or something.

 

Strange Event #1: 

This event took place on Thursday. I was walking down the hall to a debate meeting with a friend from my Oratory and Debate class, and I was all dressed up for a speech (Red Wedding. I created a convert for reading one of the biggest Game of Thrones spoilers. And I did a great job of it.), in heels. My friend Oreo sees a red balloon on the ground, and the child in me is screaming to pop it. So I run over and try to stomp it in my heels. It won’t hold still, so I pick it up and decide to pop it when I get to my debate meeting.

While I’m holding it, I notice its unusual shape, and it’s the tie part that is way too circular and large that clues me in.

That balloon is a blown up condom.

Of course this makes me drop it and hold my hands apart in a state of shock for the remainder of the walk. Oreo is laughing at me, I’m kind of laughing and panicking because I honestly have no idea how to react besides finding some form of hand wash.  This also led to the many questions of “WHY?” on the way to the meeting. I was so freaked out, and now it’s really funny. Sketchy, but funny.

 

 

Strange Event #2:

Honestly, this was probably the worst of the three and it’s still pretty horrifying. I’m sitting in English class around 8am on Friday and I receive a snarky face picture text from my little sister. I of course hate having my sister text me anything because she never sends anything of value, so I tell her not to text me. She, in turn, sends me a video of her being a brat that I didn’t watch, and a picture of her crotch.

Several seconds of internal panicking and deleting the conversation entirely, I texted my mom about it because that is not okay, yo, and she takes the iPod away and tells me she’s handling. Nothing for the rest of the day until after school, when she comes to get me. She asks to see the conversation (which I deleted like a normal person would) and says the picture isn’t in the string, just a blown up picture of her tongue. The fact we don’t know her password into her iPod makes them think I’m crazy and don’t know what a vagina looks like. The fact I don’t look at porn or my own or anyone else’s because I’m straight does not mean I don’t know what a vagina looks like.

Mom gets into her iPod eventually, and shows me the conversation. She deleted the picture from the messages. The logic in my brain tells me to tell my mom to check her pictures, and WHOOMP THERE IT IS. Monster Butt receives a stern talking to and parental controls, and my phone number got deleted off her iPod. No more of that crap.

But should I mysteriously disappear and reappear on a sex offender list due to possession of child pornography, this is why. Because I have an awful little sister.

 

Strange Event #3:

I have never burned any popcorn or anything in a microwave before, so it came as a big surprise this morning to go heat up a cinnamon roll for 45 seconds, and it feels hard and a little cold. Then I put it back in for 30 more seconds, and the inside is black and the whole thing feels like a rock. I had expected the universe to come at me with some penis pictures sent to my phone, given how the last two were, and of course a burned cinnamon roll was more unexpected than the last two. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, I just kind of give up now.

 

So I guess this quote is now relevant.

“I’m a firm believer in Karma, and I think this situation was attracted into my life because it was supposed to be a huge learning lesson for me to grow and expand as a spiritual human being. I see myself being like an Angelina Jolie but even stronger, pushing even harder for the universe and for peace and for the health of our planet. God didn’t give me these talents and looks to just sit around being a model or being famous. I want to lead a huge charity organization. I want to lead a country, for all I know.”  ~Alexis Neiers

 

Guys, I have a confession. I’m secretly Emma Watson.

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